Survivor Series 2016

Ladies and gentlemen, the hero of Survivor Series.

In the end, Survivor Series was... OK. A surprising, above average number of cool moments throughout, hampered nearly constantly by the fact that I don't care about the brand rivalry. At all. I would, however, like to extend a special thanks to the Toronto crowd for continuing to make EVERY number chant a "10" in honor of Tye Dillinger. That was probably my favorite part of the entire show.

WOMEN'S PREDICTION: No way the Raw women don't take this one. I mean, even on kayfabe paper, they have one dud on their team vs. 2.5 on the Smackdown team. Plus Nia Jax is still being booked like a monster. 

This was pretty much standard Survivor Series stuff. Solid performances all around, only one major mistake (Bayley interrupting a pin about a second after the three count would have happened, which was awkward) and ended to further a Raw rivalrly - Bayley pinned Becky to win, Charlotte attacked Bayley post-match for stealing her spotlight.

INTERCONTINENTAL PREDICTION: What would have been the best match on the card becomes some kind of clusterfuck where The Miz beats Sami Fucking Zayn because the belt's not moving. 

Yep. Oh, sure, Maryse was involved, ringing the ring bell during a Zayn figure four to make him think Miz submitted, because WWE will never, EVER let go of the Montreal Screwjob. But otherwise this was every Miz match from the last six months. Yawn. And we're done with my correct predictions for the night.

TAG TEAM PREDICTION: Gonna give this one to Smackdown as well, probably caused by Clerbshenanigans. Again, mainly to maintain parity, because of my eventual prediction for the Women's match.

Nope! I will say this, if the WWE wanted to diminish my interest in this match on a near constant basis, they booked it correctly, eliminating the New Day right out of the gate, eliminating American Alpha in the middle, and eliminating Enzo and Cass near the 3/4 mark. Thank fuck for Cesaro, who finished the match strong and got the pin, earning Sheasaro a title match on Raw tonight.

CRUISERWEIGHT PREDICTION: Kalisto wins to take the belt and the division to Smackdown so that it won't seem weird when they air 205 Live on Tuesdays after Smackdown. Plus, the Cruisers aren't doing shit on Raw. Not their fault, just bad booking and apathetic crowds.

Also wrong! I guess the Cruisers are going to be racking up frequent flier miles, or appearing on Raw during weeks they're not appearing on 205 Live. Decent match, with a few great spots, but then Baron Corbin came in, cost Kalisto the match by somehow getting Kalisto disqualified for hitting Kendrick before destroying Kalisto. Baron Corbin, ruining things since 2013.

MEN'S PREDICTION: Basically, you know they're going to book Survivor Series 50/50 Raw/Smackdown. I'm gonna say Raw wins the big men's match because it's a longer show and because Ellsworth is probably there to cost Smackdown the victory because the WWE still doesn't understand his appeal.

Well, being wrong about the tag match and the Cruiserweight match pretty much ensured I'd be wrong about this one, as Bray Wyatt pinned Roman Reigns to give the win to Team Smackdown. This match was hella long, and booked Shane McMahon stronger than most of the roster, but featured a few great moments, like Ellsworth ultimately causing Braun Strohman to be eliminated, Dean Ambrose joining Reigns and Rollins to put AJ through a table, and Owens getting disqualified for using The List as a weapon. Not sure why they did the whole Undertaker thing if Smackdown was gonna win, but whatever.

LESBERG PREDICTION: This is actually a tough one to call. There won't be another match for Goldberg, and the story they're telling really needs him to win for it to make any damn sense, but I can't imagine Lesnar agreeing to lose a second time to an ancient, even more part-time guy than he is. So I'm gonna say Lesnar, because this is the WWE and backstage bullshit trumps narrative cohesion any day of the week.

Wow. What the fuck was that? Lesnar got zero offence in. Goldberg hits two spears and a Jackhammer and wins in like a minute. I mean, clearly Goldberg didn't actually have a match in him, but I'm shocked Lesnar was willing to be squashed like that.