|No, seriously, this went on for ten minutes.|
Of course, Raw starts immediately with the aftermath of the Universal Championship match. First we have Mick Foley and Stephanie trying some acting and sort of actually succeeding. Then Kevin Owens comes out for his celebration, with new UC-themed video and balloons and pyro and of course he has to turn the crowd against him and of course he does because he's Kevin Owens.
This brings out a very angry Seth Rollins, who yells at Stephanie and Foley and beats up Owens, which leads to Steph and Foley dueling over whether or not Rollins is suspended. Foley wins the match, and it's Rollins-Owens at Clash of Champions. Which is just two weeks after Backlash. Which is in a week. Did I mention they're going to NINETEEN ppv-style-events each year because of the brand split? Ugh. Kevin Owens is upset with Foley, and he has a point. Foley rewards that point with a match against Sami Zayn. This brings out Jericho, who calls Kevin Owens the "longest reigning Universal Champion of all time", which is hilarious, mean, and accurate.
The crowd still loves Bayley, and her win over Charlotte (via accidental Danaference) was received well by the crowd, which is a good sign. Charlotte slaps the shit out of Dana afterwards, which is interesting.
Bo Dallas repackaging! A singlet, a new dark blue "Bolieve In Bo" slogan/logo, a rhyming couplet, and a dominant squash over Local Talent seems to be sending the message we should be taking Bo seriously now.
In other news, Jericho and Rollins have a generic TV match in service of the Owens-Rollins feud. Rollins wins clean with the Pedigree.
Sheamus-Cesaro III is next, and they're selling the fake back injury from the last match. Sheamus wins as expected, except that the next match is at a non-televised event in London, which seems like a weird place to start Cesaro's comeback.
Oh, hey, the Shining Stars are here to be interrupted by Enzo and Cass. Hope they can look at Bo Dallas tonight and get their hopes up. Enzo pretends to give birth and then hands the invisible pretend baby to someone in the audience before the match, which shouldn't have worked, but it did. The Shining Stars steal a win after SHENANIGANS, so I guess we know how they'll be killing time for the next few weeks.
GALLOWS AND ANDERSON ARE NOT FUNNY. STOP WRITING BULLSHIT FOR THEM. Also, shitty joke writers, dicks don't get smaller with age. Balls get longer. The New Day finally come out to euthanize the bit, since it was incapable of dying with dignity. They do their best. It doesn't work out well.
Darren Young defeats Jinder Mahal with Titus O'Neil at ringside because this is still going on. In other news, it looks like Alicia Fox is going to be Nia Jax's first real opponent. In other other news, Braus Strohman's first real opponent is Sin Cara, who has finally relinquished custody of the Lucha Dragons music, but is still jobbing. This entire half hour fo the show is an epic dud.
Sasha Banks is out to make everyone think she's out for a while or retiring and instead get attacked by Dana Brooke. Sasha hits the Bank Statement, annonces she's good to go, and her rematch will be at Clash of Champions.This probably would have worked better without Dana Brooke. It threw off the timing of the swerve.
Finally, there's Zayn-Owens. Owens is owed a win back from Battleground, and gets it here, with a regular, not even pop-up, powerbomb. No HHH, just Roman Reigns Reignsing his way down the ramp after the match, which leads to Mick Foley making an "if you win, the title match is a triple threat" match against Owens next week. The results of that match will say a lot about the WWE's current thoughts on the main event viability of Reigns, and how independent those thoughts are of the fan and crowd reactions.