|Yeah, I don’t mind him going over at least half these schlubs.
BRAUN STROWMAN, TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS?
They had a battle royal to determine which schlub Raw tag team would get to face The Bar at Wrestlemania. Braun Strowman entered it and won it. Rumors are that WWE hasn’t decided where this is ultimately going - either Strowman battling The Bar solo, or teaming with Elias for some reason.
Normally, I’d say jobbing out your entire tag team division to one guy would be a bad idea, but I think it works with Strowman, and I hope they do it. Strowman’s whole thing is superhuman feats. being the tag team champions by himself, for a month or so, is a superhuman feat. He wins the belts, wears both of them for a while, then you bring in an Authors of Pain or some other hot team to beat him and he can go back to pursuing singles gold.
KEVIN OWENS AND SAMI ZAYN MURDER SHANE MCMAHON
Look, I’m as not excited about Owens vs. Zayn vs. Shane at Mania Falls Mainly On The Plain as the next guy who isn’t Shane McMahon, but you gotta admit, the setup was fantastic. Owens and Zayn hate each other, but hate Shane so much more that they fucking murder him was good television, dammit.
BIG E TEAMS WITH JIMMY USO
As the only surviving members of their respecting teams after the Bludgeon Brothers attack, Big E and Jimmy joined forces to... job to the Bludgeon Brothers. Which is what had to happen. I have to assume another Triple Threat at Mania. Anyway, the storyline respect and real-world friendship between the two teams really made their bits together shine.
NIA JAX SMASH!
There is a part of me that wishes they’d gone with something other than “manipulative heel gets caught on camera disparaging flunky” with all the traditional Mean Girl and body-shaming tropes that women’s wrestling is still full of, Revolution or no. But everyone played their parts to perfection and the crowd popped hard for angry face Nia Jax, so I gotta accept it.
Dedric Alexander advanced to the finals of the New Cruiserweight Classic, eliminating Roderick Strong as expected. They also seem to try to be heating up Tozawa/Itami for the eventual post-Mania announcement of the Cruiserweight Tag Titles. I have to imagine they’re gonna get the belts first.
ASUKA ON BOTH SHOWS!
Two promo segments pushing her match with Charlotte, which is going to be fucking epic.
JOHN CENA CHALLENGES THE UNDERTAKER
We all knew it was coming, but when John Cena turns it on on the mike, he can make you give a fuck anyway. The match is gonna be garbage, but this promo was great.
WOMEN’s BATTLE ROYAL
The women now have their own “give everyone a Wrestlemania payday” match just like the men! Equality! They named it after Moolah, which the Internet tells me is a problem and I accept the evidence they’ve provided, so I’ll just call it the Women’s Battle Royal. And so, apparently, will WWE, because Snickers yelled at them.
ROMAN REIGNS SUSPENDED
In a solid segment, Reigns took his issues with how Brock Lesnar is getting preferential treatment all the way to Vince in the control room, a fakey shooty moment that came as a surprise and worked well. McMahon suspended Reigns, and they’re pulling out all the stops to turn Lesnar heel before Mania.
STREET PROFiTS DEFEAT HEAVY MACHINERY
Boooooo. That’s two years in a row Heavy Machinery jobbed out in the first round of the Dusty Tag Team Classic. Oh, and Sanity advanced this week also and Authors of Pain advanced last week in case you were wondering if the NXT tag division has changed much in the past year.