|Sure do make you lose your mild.|
Becky Lynch and Naomi vs. Natalya and Carmella
Hey, look, it’s the obligatory underard meaningless tag match. It doesn’t matter who wins, but it’ll probably either be on the kickoff or the opening match, so let’s say the faces win.
Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Rusev
Shinsuke needs a strong win going into Wrestlemania. It’s weird that AJ has been involved with literally everyone else on the card and Nakamura has barely wrestled since the Rumble. Unfortunately, Shinsuke’s strong win will come at the expense of Rusev, who needs to start winning some matches if they’re ever going to do anything with him. Nakamura wins.
The Usos (c) vs. New Day (Tag Championship)
If they’re going with this again, and I’m fine with that, Fastlane is not the point to put the belts on the New Day. That’d be Wrestlemania. So Usos will retain, possibly through chicanery heating up the feud for t, not that it needs to be much hotter.
Bobby Roode (c) vs. Randy Orton (US Title)
I have two bad feelings about this match. That Jinder Mahal will insert himself in some way, and that Randy Orton will win. These two things may even end up connected. But by longstanding tradition, FUCK RANDY ORTON, so I’ll predict Roode retains and probably be wrong.
Charlotte Flair (c) vs. Ruby Riott (Women’s Champ)
I don’t care who the fuck Charlotte wrestles at Mania. Charlotte Flair will not be walking into Mania without that belt. Flair retains and probably wins decisively.
AJ Styles (c) vs. John Cena vs. Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler (Men’s Champ)
In much the same way, they will not be fucking with AJ vs. Nakamura at Mania. AJ wins. Probably pinning Ziggler. Probably setting up Zayn-Owens Infinity at Mania. Possibly setting up Cena-Undertaker at Mania. Not doing anything with Baron Corbin.