Summerslam 2017

STROWMAN SMASH!

Summerslam! Six full hours of championship matches. Started good, ended good, and sprinkled a LOT of garbage through the middele.

Jason Jordan and the Hardyz vs. Miz and the Tourage (Pre-Show): Jordan and the Hardyz win in a Raw rematch.

Apparently they think they can further the storyline on a show nobody was watching before anybody got into the arena. Or Miz just wanted a win back. Miz pins Jordan. (0/1)

Neville vs. Akira Tozawa (Cruiserweight Championship, Pre-Show): Tozawa retains.

I don't understand anything. Why give Tozawa a six day championship run? There's no story behind anything that happened, Tozawa just won clean on Monday and lost clean on Sunday in a mirror version of how he won. Rubber match in five goddamned weeks at No Mercy? While the entire Cruiserweight roster spins its wheels (except Kendrick and Gallagher) farting around? (0/2)

The New Day vs. The Usos (SmackDown Tag Team Championship, Pre-Show): New Day retains.

My run of bad predictions on championship matches hits four in a row here if you count Takeover, and it was starting to get on my nerves. If the Authors are getting called up, I guess they're going to Raw. which has like three heel tag teams already to Smackdown's one. I can live with another two months of Usos / New Day feuding if I have to, because they put on spectacular matches like this one, but they're going to have to find clever, new ways to keep it going until the next match to keep it from getting old (0/3)

John Cena vs. Baron Corbin: Cena, obviously.

Finally, a good prediction on the board. This was nothing. (1/4)

Naomi vs. Natalya (SmackDown Women's Championship): They're not putting the belt on Natty..

Five championship botches in a row. Just a straight, clean win for Natalya, no shenanigans, no Carmella. Which, you know, great for Natalya, but why? How does this make the Women's Division better or more interesting? It doesn't. (1/5)

Big Show vs. Big Cass (Enzo In The Shark Cage): Cass wins

This was awful. The only fun spot in the entire match was Enzo greasing himself up and taking off his pants so he could slip through the bars of the cage and get kicked once by Cass.  (2/6).

Randy Orton vs. Rusev: Randy Orton, UNDER PROTEST.

Well, I needed the prediction, so yay? I didn't need Randeh RKO'ing Rusev in 30 seconds or less to win after a pre-match Rusev beatdown, though. Tells you exactly how much Randeh's ego needed massaging after losing three times to Jinder Mahal. (3/7)

Finn Balor vs. Bray WyattL Demo Finn, Demon Win.

Demon won. I actually had to miss a bunch of this, so I may or may not go back and watch it to see if there was anything more interesting thatn wrestle wrestle wrestle Coup De Grace win. (4/8)

Alexa Bliss vs. Sasha Banks (Raw Women's Championship): I'm going to say Bliss but

Yeah, about that "but". Sasha has the belt again, which I hope only makes sense if they're bringing in Asuka as a destroyer heel, but I'm afraid is going to lead to Bayleyvil or some shit. Match was good, at least. (4/9)

Cesaro & Sheamus vs. Shield At 67% (Raw Tag Team Championship): Shield wins.

Yep. This was a tag team match. Everyone tried hard, but Ambrose and SHeamus are stale, Cesaro doesn't get to cut loose, and Rollins just isn't that compelling as a face. (5/10)

AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens (United States Championship): Styles retains, match is bullshit due to Shane O Mac as special referee, Owens ends up feuding with SHane or some bullshit afterward.

I included the whole prediction because that's exactly what went down. (6/11)

Jinder Mahal vs. Shinsuke Nakamura (WWE Championship): Nakamura.

Nope! Mahal retains in a carbon copy of his two Randy Non-Prison matches, where the Singh Brothers eat a pair of finishers and provide distraction for the Khalass, which is apparently Punjabi for "finisher", which tells you everything you need to know about Jinder Mahal. His reign and his matches are getting seriously tedious  (6/12)

Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman vs. Roman Reigns vs. Samoa Joe (Universal Championship): my gut tells me they're gonna keep the belt on Lesnar.

Yay, gut! This was actually in the top five matches of the night, which is smoething else I wasn't expecting. Mostly due to Braun Strowman, who I swear could be the biggest (pardon the expression) star WWE's had in years if he keeps this up. Joe didn't get much to do, and Roman was extra-Romany, just doing superman punches and spears the entire time like he's given up on life. And he took the pin from Lesnar's F5, so I can see why he wasn't too motivated. (7/13)