PREDICTIONS: Wrestlemania 33

The Ultimate... Something Or Other

Here we are again! Big show time! Six hours of wrestling and Pitbull performances!  As with Takeover, the predictions are divided into SHOULD and WILL, with what I want to happen and what I expect to happen.


Goldberg (c) vs. Brock Lesnar, Universal Championship

SHOULD: Goldberg and Brock Lesnar stare at each other for five minutes while the crowd boos both of them, and as soon as they lock up, the venue goes dark, and Finn Balor in full demon makeup appears, somehow in possession of a Money In The Bank contract, and destroys both of them to regain his championship.

WILL: Goldberg and Lesnar stare at each other for six minutes while half the crowd boos, half the crowd chants Goldberg, and half the crowd chants Suplex City. Then Lesnar spears and pins Goldberg to win the Universal Championship. Post match, Balor appears to point and stare at Lesnar.

Bray Wyatt (c) vs. Randy Orton, WWE Championship

SHOULD: Bray Wyatt, harnessing the mystical power of Sister Abigail that Randy Orton's stupid crucifix had no effect on, destroys Orton utterly and becomes the Monster Matanza Cueto of Smackdown.

WILL: RKO Outta Nowhere after seven minutes of Orton hitting his usual spots to win the WWE Championship, Wyatt goes back to wrestling Luke Harper on Smackdown.

The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

SHOULD: As much as I hate to say it, Roman Reigns should win this match in about four minutes. He shouldn't be losing to the Undertaker, who, I remind you, is a fifty year old man who can barely walk.

WILL: As much as I hate to say it, Roman Reigns will win this match in about twelve minutes, not including Undertaker's intro.

Triple H vs. Seth Rollins (Non-Sanctioned)

SHOULD: Seth Rollins defeats HHH, WWE declares bankruptcy after HHH's intro spends the company's entire cash reserves.

WILL: Seth Rollins defeats HHH, goes on to probably feud with Finn Balor over who gets to lose to Brock Lesnar.

Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles

SHOULD: AJ Styles destroys Shane McMahon in two minutes, Shane doesn't even get to throw his Flurry Of Shitty Corner Punches.

WILL: AJ defeats Shane in a competitive match that includes at least three instances of Shane's Flurry Of Shitty Corner Punches.

John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

SHOULD: After a hard-fought match, John Cena gets on his knee and proposes to The Miz. The Miz immediately accepts, divorces Maryse, and Miz and Cena's reality show becomes the highest rated thing on cable TV.

WILL: After a moderately-fought match, Cena and Nikki defeat Miz and Maryse and Cena proposes to Nikki in the ring and I have to watch their wedding on a Smackdown-exclusive PPV sometime in July.

Bayley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax (Elimination for Women's Championship)

SHOULD: Sasha eliminates Bayley via shenanigans, Jax pins Banks, Jax pins Charlotte, wins Women's Championship, feuds with Asuka while Sasha feuds with Bayley and Charlotte feuds with Dana Brooke.

WILL: Jax goes through a table and gets triple-pinned as the first elimination. Sasha eliminates Bayley through nefarious means, then gets pinned by Charlotte. Charlotte feuds with Asuka while Bayley feuds with Sasha and Jax goes back to squashing jobbers.

Chris Jericho (c) vs. Kevin Owens (US Championship)

SHOULD: Kevin Owens defeats Chris Jericho in the best match of the night, finishing him off in a way that retires Jericho for around his usual nine months off or so. Owens goes no to do a reverse John Cena, defeating the Raw undercard on a weekly basis in evil open challenges for the US title.

WILL: Kevin Owens defeats Chris Jericho in the best match of the night, finishing him off in a way that retires Jericho for around his usual nine months off or so. Owens then feuds with Zayn for the US title for three months and Zayn never wins.

Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Baron Corbin (Intercontinental Championship)

SHOULD: Baron Corbin defeats Ambrose for the Intercontinental belt and it gets used like it should be used, or the midcard to fight over. Corbin's first challenger is Apollo Crews.

WILL: Dean Ambrose retains the title and battles AJ Styles for it.

The Clerb vs. EnzoCass vs. Cesheamus (Raw Tag Titles, Ladder Match)

SHOULD: Cesaro and Sheamus win the belts back, and they only way they can do it is by WORKING TOGETHER.

WILL: Enzo and Cass win the belts in what is the curtain jerker to pop the crowd big right off the bat.

MAYBE PRE-SHOW? REPORTS DIFFER: Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal:

SHOULD: Braun Strowman

WILL: Braun Strowman

PRE-SHOW: The Smackdown Women's Division Vs. Itself (Stup Unknown, Women's Championship)

SHOULD: Naomi wins a gauntlet-style match that Alexa Bliss starts and defeats 3-4 people before Naomi enters and defeats Bliss, Lynch, and Natalya.

WILL: Mickie James wins a battle royal or some shit.

PRE-SHOW: Neville (c) vs. Austin Airies (Cruiserweight Championship)

SHOULD: Austin Aries defeats Neville in the second-best match of the night, and when Aries delivers his thumb to the eye, the crowd goes wild and the announcers call it properly.

WILL: Neville wins by cheating because none of the 205 heels are ready for a title program against Aries yet.