TLC 2017

MUMPS DESERVES IT! (CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP)

Thanks, mumps! Don’t get me wrong, diseases are bad and people shouldn’t get them, but there’s no denying replacing Bray Wyatt with AJ Styles improved this show greatly, and replacing Roman Reigns with Kurt Angle made it more interesting. Plus, I’m apparently way more in sync with Raw booking than I am Smackdown booking.

Sasha Banks vs Alicia Fox (Kickoff): logic says Banks wins.

And hey, logic wins out. I’ll say this, peole have been telling me Alicia Fox is talented for a long time, but this is the first match where I’ve really seen her keep up with the current generation of women. Really good match. (1/1)

Asuka vs Emma: This is a tough one. HA HA HA HA HA Asuka, of course.

Yep. Emma got a LOT of offense in, and I thought the match was a bit tougher for Asuka to win than it should have been, but Asuka looked like a goddamned superstar in her debut, and I can’t wait to see her take the title. (2/2)

Jack Gallagher and Brian Kendrick vs Cedric Alexander and Rich Swann: The faces stood tall on 205 Live, so Ill give the nod to Gallagher and  Kendrick here.

Nope. Not sure why the faces won, but I’m not sure why any of the non-title feuds on 205 go the way they go for the most part. (2/3)

Mickie James vs Alexa Bliss (Raw Women’s Championship): Bliss retains.

And retained mostly clean, pinning Mickie with a DDT after only a little bit of heelish fake injury. Not a spectacular match, but a pretty solid one that did what it needed to do.(3/4)

Enzo Amore vs Kalisto (Cruiserweight Championship): Enzo’s getting the belt back. No-brainer.

This was a sloppy mess of a match, but Enzo does some cheating and pins Kalisto with the Jordunzo. (4/5)

AJ Styles (100% Virus Free) vs Finn Balor (Demon S. Pumpkins): Balor pumpwins.

Kudos to Balor and the WWE for not going with the Pumpkin Demon makeup from Raw this week. Two consummate professionals putting on a hell of a show in the clutch. Balor wins with a vicious Coup De Grace adn they throw up a Too Sweet post-match, which is nice, WWE’s handling of trademark issues aside.  (5/6)

Jason Jordan Vs. Elias 

This impromptu match came out of Elias trying to sing (and earning incredible heel heat from the Twin Cities crowd) and getting vegetables thrown at him by Jason Jordan. I had to look up who won because I forgot by the time I wrote this, which is par for the course for the match in this slot. WWE says Jordan won, which is fine.

Sort Of The Shield vs The Miz, Cesaro, Sheamus, Braun Strowman & Kane (TLC Match)L I’m going to stick with my original prediction of the faces winning.

That was a ton of fun. I mean, yeah, overbooked as hell and a mess from start to finish, but that’s what I expected going in, and that’s what I got. Angle can still sorta go. I watched them painstakingly keep him from taking bumps for the first ten minutes, and just when I was thinking that’d be the end of it, GERMANS FOR EVERYONE. Then Kurt took the gentlest, most careful running powerslam through a table in history, proving once again what a talent Braun Strowman is, sat out for another ten minutes or so, then returned with ANGLE SLAMS FOR EVERYONE.

During those middle minutes, Kane turned on Strowman after an accidental chair shot and a shove earlier in the match. Stowman then turned on everyone, and ended up in the back of a garbage truck which seemingly compacted him. I kind of wanted it to be a gimmicked truck that broke because it couldn’t crush Strowman, but I can’t have everything, and I got three finishers and a triple powerbomb on The Miz and a sixth correct prediction, so I’m feeling good about the match and the show as a whole. Thanks, probably meningitis! (6/7)