PREDICTIONS: Summerslam 2017

No Sleep During Brooklyn

The next of the Big Four is this weekend, with thirteen matches over six plus hours because WWE hates us.


Jason Jordan and the Hardyz vs. Miz and the Tourage

This is the kind of match they use in the pre-show to get dudes on the card. THe kind of match Sami Zayn would usually get but apparently isn't this year. It doesn't matter who wins, but since nobody's going to be paying attention, I'm going to assume JOrdan and the Hardyz win in a Raw rematch.

Big Show vs. Big Cass (Enzo In The Shark Cage)

You don't break Big Show's hand to have him overcome the odds to win. You break Big Show's hand for one of two reasons. Either to give him a reason for losing, or to have Enzo redeem himself and help beat Big Cass. I'm betting on the former. Cass wins.

Finn Balor vs. Bray Wyatt

Demo Finn, Demon Win.

Randy Orton vs. Rusev

Randy Orton, UNDER PROTEST. I hate picking Randy Orton to win, but I know so deep in my bones that he'll be winning this match that I can't bring myself to sacrifice the pick out of principle, given how bad my Takeover picks are likely to be. But fuuuuuuuuuck Randeh.

John Cena vs. Baron Corbin

Cena, obviously. There's no fucking way he doesn't go over here.

Neville vs. Akira Tozawa (Cruiserweight Championship)

The only way putting the belt on Tozawa makes sense is if he keeps it, Putting it back on Neville at this point would mire the entire Cruiserweight division in the same fucking mess it's been in for months. Tozawa retains.

Naomi vs. Natalya (SmackDown Women's Championship)

They're not putting the belt on Natty. I don't know what's going to happen exactly with Carmella and a briefcase in the mix, but Natty definitely won't hold the belt and Naomi will very likely leave with it.

The New Day vs. The Usos (SmackDown Tag Team Championship)

I love this feud, and hope it congtinues, but the Uso's win on SMackdown definitely mean New Day retains. If I'm right about the Authors being called up, interfering or destroying the New Day post-match would be a gimme.

AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens (United States Championship)

Styles retains, match is bullshit due to Shane O Mac as special referee, Owens ends up feuding with SHane or some bullshit afterward.

Cesaro & Sheamus vs. Shield At 67% (Raw Tag Team Championship)

Rollins and Ambrose have to have the belts hoshotted onto them at this point. The Raw tag scene is all heels and Hardys, and as much as I like Cesaro, the belts are doing nothing on them. Shield wins.

Alexa Bliss vs. Sasha Banks (Raw Women's Championship)

I want to think this hinges on Asuka. If Asuka is getting called up, Bliss wins/retains. If not, they may just put the belt back on Sasha, even though they shouldn't. I'm going to say Bliss but know that when I'm wrong, I was wrong because of wishful thinking.

Jinder Mahal vs. Shinsuke Nakamura (WWE Championship)

Nakamura. There's no money in this feud continuing, no natural animosity between Mahal and Nakamura. Put the belt on Nakamura, give some Smackdown heels a shot at the main event for a bit, and send Jinder away for a while so we can remember him fodnly later.

Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman vs. Roman Reigns vs. Samoa Joe (Universal Championship)

The belt should go on Joe. Of these four, he's the one who's earned it the most, followed by Strowman, who's young, Reigns, who's Reigns, and Lesnar, who's a part-timer. But my gut tells me they're gonna keep the belt on Lesnar. Lesnar wins, possibly by F5ing Strowman for the big show-closing spot.