Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Biweekly Wrasslin' Wroundup (Catchup Edition)

OK, I've got two weeks of wrestling, including a Raw Brand PPV, living in the hole of the break I took just enjoying some things instead of analyzing them. So let's just look at each of the four brands and see where we stand, shall we?


Fasstlane was a shitshow and a shit show, but at least, by shifting the blame for Kevin Owens' instasquash from Elderlyberg squarely onto Jericho's shoulders, it helps make Owens look like less of a chump. So it's Owens-Jericho for the US Title at Mania, which means the top tier guys in the company are still fighting around the secondary belt. But Jericho and Owens are solid gold in promos.

The tag division is a mess right now for the same reason it's been a mess since the brand split. Not enough teams. Specifically, five total tag teams. Three of them are arguing over the belts, one of them is shilling ice cream, and one of them is the fucking Shining Stars. That's not enough teams for a division, and it doesn't help that two of the teams are in Weird Booking Limbo. How am I supposed to feel about Enzo, Cass, Cesaro, and Sheamus, WWE? Could I get some kind of a fucking hint?

The women's division is in a similar situation. They have four wrestlers plus Dana Brooke and at some point Emma. And one of those four is a monster heel who needs to be protected. I'm glad Charlotte's PPV streak was broken, because that was a stupid bullshit stat that led to some bullshit weird booking, but what they're doing with Bayley is not going to help people love her more.

Two Wrestlemanias ago, Rusev came out in a tank to wrestle John Cena. This year, he's getting a haircut and sorta arguing with Jinder Mahal. Congratulations, Cesaro! Rusev is where you were a year ago!

Paul Heyman's head is trying to eat his face.

Roman Reigns has managed to make me feel sympathetic towards Braun Strowman, which is an impressive if unintentional feat.

Samoa Joe and Sami Zayn are in the same position, but in different directions. Neither have any clear feud or purpose on the show, both are injected into other people's stories as necessary, but Joe is there to win and Sami is there to lose and that's kind of sad.


FUUUUUUUCK RANDY ORTON. I hate him, I'm sick of him, he can't act, and his burning down of Bray Wyatt's house bit was the worst thing I've seen on WWE TV in years. It's awful, he's awful, stop cheering for the RKO. I hate Randy Orton more than I hate Roman Reigns because Roman is probably an OK person and he had that ad where he played with his daughter whereas Orton allegedly thinks it's funny to shit in people's gym bags.

Hey, Smackdown, did you know you have tag team champions, with a whole division and everything? Maybe, you know, do something with them more than once every three goddamned weeks? They actually have the opposite problem to Raw - tons of teams and no attention given to them.

Alexa Bliss will be facing every woman on the Smackdown roster who can make it to the ring at Wrestlemania, which isn't an awful idea but where do you go from there? WWE doesn't even know who'll be in the match in a month, so do they know who'll be getting the belt?


Everyone without anything better to do is declaring for the Andre Battle Royal, and shockingly, the first two are from the brand with more nothing better to do than anybody - Mojo Rawley and Apollo Crews are in. Whee. Is there any way Strowman isn't winning this this year?


NXT is gearing up for Takeover Orlando by having William Regal announce matches from his office with all the enthusiasm of Sean Spicer getting his weekly gum removal enema. Asuka vs. Ember Moon for the women's belt, which makes sense but is essentially a face vs. face match, which will be weird. And Nakamura vs. the winner of Roode and Ohno next week, which has got to be Roode, right?

The tag division is building towards an inevitable three-way dance between the Otters, Revival, and DIY, which is good because that's all the tag teams there are that aren't jobbers.

Sanity continues to mix it up with Dillinger, Strong, and Jose in the Official Midcard Everyone Except Almas In The Pool feud, and it's fine, I guess.


AUSTIN ARIES! AUSTIN ARIES! This is the Austin I wanted to see when he debuted in NXT. On fire, talking shit, tearing it up in the ring, making an effort, carrying a banana. I didn't know I wanted that when he was in NXT, but I do now. Aries-Neville at Mania has got to be where they're going with this, and I'm fine with that.

Akira Tozawa continues to rise to the third most over cruiserweight in WWE, behind Aries and Gallagher. His feud with Kendrick is going great, especially this week's match against "A Bryan Kendrick".

Jack Gallagher lost, as expected, in his championship match at Fastlane, but put on the best match of the night in the process. Unfortunately, he's been shuffled back into the cruiserweight deck, in meaningless undercard tag matches where your Swanns and your Dars and your Gulaks live. Cedric Alexander, meanwhile, is approaching milk carton status, and may have been murdered by his own entrance music.

1 comment:

  1. Dude, I don't even WATCH wrestling and your recaps slay me! Keep me coming brother!