Sunday, November 27, 2016

HateWatch: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice


Ah, HBO. The only proper way to properly experience the DC Cinematic Universe, aka Zack Snyder's Slo-Mo Adventures. I'd heard a lot about how bad this movie was since it came out, and it still surprised me. It's fucking dire.


  • Hey, did you know Batman's parents were shot in an alley outside a movie theater? The twist now is that we see it as a flashback during another flashback, to Bruce falling into the cave of bats during the funeral. Pearls in Zack Snyder slo-mo, yay. And Martha, but we allready know what shit-show THAT foreshadows.
  • Nobody wanted to watch the end of Man of Steel the first time, you know.
  • Wayne employees are so dumb their CEO has to drive through a crumbling city to tell them to evacuate a building while a giant terraforming robot is attacking. And one of them is even dumber than that, and so Bruce Wayne is sad and angry. Sangry.
  • Ha. "Are you a terrorist?" Lois Lane, star journalist.
  • Oversimplified geopolitics can also be overdramatic!
  • Oh, hey, thanks for making sure Lois Lane would be naked here, movie.
  • No need to make it literal, movie. We know you're all about branding.
  • Three seconds of Eisenberg as Luthor is already too much.
  • Yeah, sure, pitch headines to stories you're assigning. That's how running a newspaper works. You're why print is dead, Perry White.
  • You wouldn't have to do this mjuch setup if your fucking movie didn't include two different stories that come late in the lives of both characters, you know. But hey, jump to the end without laying the proper groundwork. That's the DCCU motto, forged after Avengers made a bajillion dollars.
  • Oh, hey, the pee thing is worse in situ than from what I'd heard. 
  • HE'S WALKING THROUGH A GRAVEYARD. THAT CAN BE NORMAL SPEED SNYDER.
  • Boozy Batman? Fuck you, movie.
  • Oh, hey, we live in a world where The Joker killed Robin but Batman is still known publicly as "The Gotham Bat", because that makes fucking sense.
  • Seriously, Eisenberg kept doing that and Snyder was like "yeah, keep doing that".  This is why Trump won.
  • Old Batman would have a bunch of better excuses on hand for being where he shouldn't be.
  • SHUT UP EISENBERG.
  • Why is Batfleck occasionally almost Southern?
  • Again, Joker was a thing but we're just now soliciting opinions on "The Bat Vigilante"?
  • SHUT UP EISENBERG FOR FUCK'S SAKE SHUT UP!
  • Yep, if there's one trait about Batman this movie captures perfectly, it's his inability to sneak.
  • Oh hey Superman saved one little girl so let's all worship him because plot!
  • Ugh. Even this Batman-Wonder Woman banter thuds like lead. So much gratuitous intensity.
  • Here's a hint to anyone thinking of providing information through, say, some kind of temporal rift. DON'T USE PRONOUNS.
  • No, seriously, Batman was investigating this sex crime ring for how long and never Googled "White Portugese"?
  • One hour in and Batman is finally doing something vaguely Batmanny, and he's stealing a rock.
  • Yes, who is this mysterious "Bat-Vigilante" who drives through a harbor blowing things up in his armored car?
  • On the upside, Batfleck's Batvoice is like 7% less ridiculous than 
  • Oh hey Batman used his tracker to find out Lex Luthor had the Kryptonite he knew Lex Luthor had.
  • Good advice, Supermom.
  • Superman's mom is a waitress? Guess Jonathan's life insurance didn't cover suicide by tornado.
  • PEE PAYOFF!
  • Don't just do something, Superman! STAND THERE.
  • Way more horses than you'd expect in a movie like this.
  • Movie? Maybe with everything else you're telling us, you maybe could have explained how Lex found that Kryptonian shit? 
  • Lex Luthor - mad genious, and also icon designer.
  • OK, this Doomsday creation bullshit is the dumbest thing in the entire movie so far, and that is saying A LOT.
  • FUCK YOU DREAM DAD.
  • Maybe Eisenberg's performance was just to assure that Nancy Grace would be the second worst monster in the movie.
  • Oh, hey, two Lois Lane kidnappings, one movie!
  • SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP EISENBERG
  • Oh, hey, Lex was hit as a child because of course he was.
  • Seriously, the only thing they got even remotely close to right about Lex Luthor is the LEXCorp logo.
  • Really, in all of that, no time to tell the reporter for the major news organization that you're also banging that Lex Luthor kidnapped your mom?
  • Lex Luthor has Quicktime Video!
  • So, Batman is just totally 100% in the wrong for most of this movie. Good to know that's the lesson Snyder took from reading Dark Knight Returns.
  • Nice to know Superman is incapable of learning to hold his breath.
  • Yeah, hit him with porcelain. That'll show him.
  • AGAIN WITH THE PRONOUNS. "Lex" has the same number of letters AND syllables as "him".
  • Oh, hey, nobody mentioned the Martha Moment included another goddamned flashback to Crime Alley. That makes it like three times shittier.
  • Yep, the mysterious "Gotham Bat" vigilante has been flying a hoverplane around for some o fthe past 20 years.
  • Oh, hey, what's that giant noise outside? Better kill the hostage! If only there was some precedent for Batman sneaking around killing people instead of blowing them up with a plane.
  • Good thing Martha wasn't in the room where the grenade blew up.
  • Zack Snyder played ALL the Arkham games.
  • "Friend" is definitely too strong a word at this point.
  • "Terrorist attack"? Gee, Anderson Cooper, you think maybe instead it has something to do with all the shit going down with aliens and such?
  • Doomsday has no spikes and sounds like Godzilla. This is some X-Men Origins Wolverine Deadpool level bullshit.
  • Wow, CGI Doomsday looks like shit.
  • Yeah, that's how nuclear weapon targeting works.
  • And now Doomsday gets rock spikes from being nuked? And is a nuke? Jesus, movie, did you just realize that without drastic action, Lex Luthor would be the worst villain in superhero movie history?
  • Oh, hey, Zack Snyder watched Akira a bunch too.
  • Seriously, this whole Lois Lane / spear thing makes an incredibly tiny amount of sense, even by the standards this movie is setting.
  • Apparently, Doomsday doesn't feed off KINETIC energy.
  • Good one, Lois. You didn't even get the spear.
  • Superman as Jesus analogue is so fucking hack.
  • THEY DON'T SHAVE YOU BALD IN PRISON, MOVIE.
  • Let's not even think about how the Kent's got that corpse.
  • Yeah, movie. These ten minutes were definitely a good, productive use of your time.
  • That's gonna be what you leave us with, movie? Jesse Eisenberg saying "ding ding ding"? But hey, Batman's not branding people anymore so, lessons learned?

The moral of the story is, don't start with your favorite comic panels and your next movie and work backwards from there, and also, don't be a shitty writer and director.

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