Monday, February 13, 2017

Elimination Chamber 2017

The, um, highlight? I think?
The Elimination Chamber was a masterpiece of mediocrity. No matches from the announced card were on the kickoff show, just Mojo Rawley vs. Curt Hawkins, which I didn't watch, because come the fuck on. With one exception, nothing was awful, but none of it was great. Even two new champions didn't liven things up, and my predictions were WAY THE FUCK OFF.

Becky Lynch vs. Mickie James: This is a tough one... I'm going to go with Mickie James winning and the feud continuing. 

Nope. Becky Lynch wins the curtain jerker after a solud but unspectacular match with a rollup, which means the feud will probably continue since it wasn't a decisive win. (0/1)

Dolph Ziggler vs. Apollo Crews and Kalisto: Ziggler's got to win this to maintain his new character's credibility, such as it is.

Hah. His new character's credibility was a big part of the problem here, and losing didn't help. Oh, what they tried to do was solid. Ziggler took Kalisto out pre-match and had a singles match with Crews, but then Kalisto returned and helped Crews win. Only problem is, nobody, and I mean nobody, is booing Ziggler for anything he does, and that breaks this entire story in half. I mean, the crowd was cheering him for injuring Crews' ankle with a chair during the post-match beatdown. That's a huge problem. Also, I'm 0 for 2.

American Alpha vs. The Usos vs. The Ascension vs. The Vaudevillains vs. Heath Slater and Rhyno vs. Breezango (Tag Team Turmoil): There's only one reason to make a match like this. Possibly two that go hand in hand. And that's to take American Alpha, put them in first, and have them convincingly defeat, in this order, The Vaudevillains, Breezango, The Ascension, Slater/Rhyno, and The Usos to retain the tag team titles. And possibly bring in Kurt Angle as their manager.

Or instead, you could have American Alpha retain in a long, sloppy mess after Slyno beat Breezango and the Vaudevillains, the Usos beat Slyno, then American Alpha beat the Usos, then the Usos destroyed Alpha, allowing The Ascension, who I guess they want us to take seriously now, nearly but don't quite win the tag belts. I don't see how this match helped any of the teams in it or the tag division, except maybe setting up the Usos as Alpha's next challenger. (1/3)

Nikki Bella vs. Natalya: Nikki Bella has to win.

Or not. Instead we could have a match where we pretend Nikki is a submission wrestler and Natalya sees how many times she can do the You Can't See Me taunt in a long, slow match that goes nowhere and ends with a double countout. (1/4)

Randy Orton vs. Luke Harper: Luke Harper rejoining Bray Wyatt, Randy Orton breaking away from the Wyatt Family, and Luke Harper winning with Wyatt's help.

In what was easily the worst match on the card, Orton pinned Harper. No Wyatt family drama, no interference, just a bunch of boring-ass plodding and posing. (1/5)

Alexa Bliss vs. Naomi (Women's Championship): Alexa retains.

Super wrong. Naomi wins in a mostly well-executed match with no clear story or throughline, so Naomi's triumph is less than it could have been. (1/6)

John Cena vs. AJ Styles vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz vs. Baron Corbin (World Championship, Elimination Chamber): Randy Orton winning the Rumble points to a Bray Wyatt win here.

And hooray, I guess? I'm happy Wyatt finally got a belt, because he's been doing great work in a gimmick that's been dead-ended by the booking for two years. But now we get to see the Wyatt breakup play out between now and Wrestlemania, and we'll be left with a Randy Orton devoid of the vest he wears every other week to remind us he's a Wyatt. The match was OK, with a few cool spots and a clear indicator that Baron Corbin is the next contender for the Intercontinental Title, which I am way more comfortable with than I thought I'd be. (2/7)

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