|Ball taken, home went.|
Jericho starts the show. The crowd cheers him (WRONG). Jericho says the main event triple threat is cancelled. Crowd chants "Sparkle Crotch" (OK). He says this is because THE LIST HAS BEEN STOLEN. Crtowd chants "NO" (CORRECT). This brings out kevin Owens. Crowd chants "WHERE'S THE LIST?"" (EXCELLENT). They argue over whether the match or the list takes priority, which brings out Stephanie McMahon for more of the same, which brings out Seth Rollins. who has The List. Some solid banter ensues, in which Rollins reveals that Kevin Owens is on the list. Rollins also threatens to "beat you life from limb", because we can't always have nice things on live TV.
Enzo is out to promote the just-announced PPV match between The Clerb and Enzo-Cass. The Clerb ut the mikes during the intro because they HATE FUN, but Enzo knows that he doesn't need a mic when he has the crowd, and Minneapolis aquits itself quite nicely, spelling it out for The Clerb. The ensuing Enzo-Anderson singles match is standard stuff, with Enzo winning due to Cassterference.
HIAC PREDICtION: I think Gallows and Anderson desperately need a big win to maintain their credibility and this result supports that happening.
Minneapolis also responds positively to The New Day, who shit on Dheamus, which I always enjoy. For some reason, the teaser for the title match on Sunday is a non-title match tonight. Gotta say, I love watching Kofi and Cesaro work together. Great stuff. Cesaro and Sheamus win clean, setting up my...
HIAC PREDICTION: They could be setting up a swerve, but the Longest Reigning Tag Team record seems to be in the cards for New Day, and this loss sets up them retaining on Sunday.
Jericho visits all the jobbers in the locker room to see if they've seen The List. It's like the fucking Island of Misfit Gimmicks back there with the Shining Stars, Titus O'Neill, and Jinder mahal.
Next up is a Bayley-Dana rematch. Minneapolis is roughly 33% as loud as they should be for Bayley. But it turns out it's an arm wrestling match. The crowd chants "THIS IS STUPID", so go Minneapolis. Bayley loses with her "injured" arm, almost wins with her left arm, but Dana attaks Bayley, injuring her arm further, but not enough to prevent a Bayley To Belly. No HiaC match announced, but I can't imagine there won't be, and...
HIAC PREDICTION: Bayley should and will win any potential PPV match against Dana Brooke.
Curtis Axel is out to challenge Bo Dallas and play the Local Boy card, invoking his Hennig heritage and invoking a "SKOL" chant which the crowd happily goes along with. They put on a solid match, but Dallas wins.
Rusev and Reigns get video interviews. Minneapolis boos Reigns' video. Good Minneapolis.
HIAC PREDICTION: I have to predict a Reigns win, because the WWe doesn't give me what I want.
Oh, no, I missed my chance to see the Golden Truth rap live and sing along like 8% of the Minneapolis crowd. It's the same group of six as last week - joined by Mark Henry at ringside to wrestle the Shining Stars with Titus "Titus Brand" O'Neil at ringside. And since I'm not at the arena, instead of taking a whizz and buying a T-shirt, I'll just fast-forward and not care about who wins. Again.
Next up is the contract signing for the women's Cell match. Unfortunately, the segment is mostly Mick Foley mankindsplaining Hell in a Cell matches to the two laydeez. Foley's great at it, but the very concept undercuts the point of the match.
HIAC PREDICTION: WWE has a long, strange habit of shitting on hometown crowds, but Sasha needs a more than one-month reign after what happened before, so she'll retain.
Cruiserweights! Rich Swann vs. Brian Kendrick with TJP on commentary. Minneapolis pops preety good for Rich Swann's big moves in the match, which is good, given the reactions to the other Cruisers of late. Swann gets a surprise win, reversing the Captain's Hook into a La Majistral cradle. No beatdown or confrontations post-match, though.
HIAC PREDICTION: I think the TJP experiment is just about running it's course and it's time for the many top faces in the division to chase a heel champion. Kendrick wins.
Strohman-Zayn is up next, but it's not a match, it's Zayn trying to get Strohman to see him as serious competition. I'd be OK with Zayn spending weeks getting Strohman to fight him if Zayn eventually won when he got the match, but I suspect this story isn't going that way.
Weird backstage segment with Brian Kendrick doing a teary version of Heath Slater - he needs this win because it's his last chance. The Cruiserweigh division doesn't need badly acted nuance bullshit. Establish basic characters, work on personailty and flash, get them over, THEN you can do nuance.
Heyman and Lesnar are out for a promo, and the damndest thing I've seen in a long time happens. Minneapolis is a crowd that Paul Heyman can't work. He tries multiple times to get the crowd to stop chanting for Lesnar and chant for Goldberg using classic heel reverse psychology, but the arena gets taken over by a GOLDBERG SUCKS chant and Heyman just gives up and they abandon the segment. So weird.
All this pushes the show so late that my DVR can't handle it because it only tapes three hours and ten minutes of motherfucking Raw. I'm told Rollins wins, I'm told there was a post-match beatdown of Rollins, that's all I know. I'm sure if it was important it'll be in the video packages this Sunday.
HIAC PREDICTION: Hell In A Cell matches were originally designed to prevent interference, which I think lasted two matches. HHH gets involved to stop 'seth 'rollins from winning the title. Owens retains.