Tuesday, July 18, 2017

HATEWATCH: X-Men: Apocalypse

Four percent of the characters in this fucking movie.
How fucking boring was X-Men: Apocalypse So boring that the usual Hatewatch as-the-movie-goes jokes are too boring to post.

But in addition to the shitty action, the dozens of underused characters, and the phoned-in Jennifer Lawfence Mystique, the big thing I noticed about this movie is that so much of it is shittier scenes that other movies did better.

This includes X-Men movies! The Quicksilver scene from Days of Future Past everyone liked? It's longer, shittier, and more pointless here! Wolverine stabbing mutant-hating soldiers?" It's hear, only he's wearing the diapers and tube-hat from the comics that's iconic and also ugly as fuck so why would that be the thing you recreate accurately?

Dialogue from X-Men 1? It's in here1 Entire scenes from First Class dropped in as unnecessary flashbacks? Sure! There's even a shittier version of Caliban from Logan, although technically Logan came out later than this. Oh, and Jean Grey shat on an earlier, shittier movie like Deadpool.

Like the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Then you'll love Psylocke breaking her fall on a building like Hulk, Magneto using a locket like Yondu's arrow, Mumm Ra The Everlasting uploading his consciousness like Ultron,

Storm starts out as Aladdin. Nukes get launched like Superman IV. Not all these things are intentional, obviously, but spotting them helped me pass the time, since the "plot" clearly wasn't going to.

Also, no movie has ever more needlessly relied on subtitles than X-Men: Apocalypse. Trust me, when you've got a movie this flawed, nobody's going to nitpick "why do all these foreigners speak English"? At least a tenth of this movie is subtitled, which is like... two hours of subtitles.

Plus, the entire point of this seems to try to loop around, sort of, to the status quo of the first Bryan Si ger movie, but in a weird, incosistent way which makes you wonder why they're bothering. I mean, I'd be wondering why they'd bother if they did it normally and consistently too, because why reboot if you're gonna loop back? But still, fuck this movie.

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