|All New, All Different Jack Swagger?
AJ Styles has the title. Dean Ambrose wants a rematch. John Cena wants his 16th World Title win. So Shane sets up a triple-threat for No Mercy. Styles-Ambrose wasn't great. Styles-Cena wasn't anywhere near as great as it's legend suggests. So I'm not particularly enthused about a triple threat. There's some fake pipe bomb bullshit in there but it's nothing more than we've heard before from Cena's opponents the past couple of years. There's a tag match tonight between Ambrose-Cena and Styles-?, so we're treated to Styles looking for a tag partner like he's Heath Slater three weeks ago.
Evil Usos are Evil and beat the Hype Bros because they're evil.
The Miz is still the Intercontinental Champion and Dolph Ziggler doesn't like that. He's no longer Intense Dolph Ziggler for some reason despite getting shenaniganed out of the belt a few days ago. Daniel Bryan comes out to set up the rematch, but The Miz refuses and says he wants to renegotiate his contract. Two weeks ago, Daniel Bryan said htat if he didn't defend the belt, he'd take it away from The Miz. I guess that's no longer in play?
Next up is Corbin-Crews II, or you'd think, except instead Corbin destroys Crews on the outside and Jack Swagger comes out instead. So Jack Swagger is moving to Smackdown and being repackaged as an I don't know what because he's told us to forget everything we know about him and then does his catchphrase, which is logically challenged.
Continuing Smackdown's weird tradition of having every single Smackdown woman in any segment about the Smackdown women, Becky Lynch is at ringside for a five-way match for the #1 contendership. Solid match, though, and shockingly, Alexa Bliss wins it! She won't get the belt yet, but nice to see her get the opportunity.
Heath Slater's contract signing goes off without any major swerves, just an interruption by The Ascension, which is barely an interruption at this point. They ask for an immediate challenge, and Shane makes it happen. So we have Slater and Rhyno wrestling their less entertaining version of the Enzo-Cass dynamic. The Ascension loses, of course, because some things the brand extension can't change.
Randy Orton is mad at Bray Wyatt and wants to fight him. Bray Wyatt is spooky on the Titantron. And then he's spooky at ringside. And then Erick Rowan beats up Orton in the ring because someone hates me. And then Rowan gets RKO'd because someone hates me even more. This is the dullest of dull shit.
Main event time. AJ Styles couldn't find a partner, so he is assigned skinny, goofy-looking James Ellsworth. Who is then destroyed on the ramp by The Miz, who wants to be in the main event so bad that he inserts himself into it now instead of telling AJ at any point in the past two hours that he wanted to be his partner. Anyway, a standard TV match follows, with John Cena pinning The Miz (shocker) and then Ambrose hitting the Dirty Deeds on Cena post-match (shocker).