An Old Nerd Finally Hatewatches Justice League

Not even in the top fifty problems with this movie.

I finally got around to this. It’s been on HBO for a bunch of minutes, but I just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t give it a slot in the schedule. But September has a lot of lulls in it so I made it happen, and I’m... happy? From a cultural knowledge standpoint? Because that shit was garbage.

• Oh yeah, movie. Double down on “The S stands for Hope” right at the start.
• Good choice to start the movie with shitty Parademon CGI.
• Batman’s voice disguiser seems to disguise that he’s saying words. WHich is good, because otherwise street thugs would know Batman has a friend named Alfred.
• MARTHA SIGHTING
• I bet that homeless guy is a reference to a beloved character from the memorable Batman V Superman
• Watchable Woman!
• Ten minutes in before speed changes. Very restrained, Snydon.
• Hope nobody in that fishing village speaks English or they all know who Batman is now.
• “I put a tracking device in Aquaman’s coat and was completely unable to predict what would happen. I’m the World’s Greatest Detective.”
• Ah, the famous two minute limite on prison visits.
• Why isn’t he saying “Booya” and eating waffles? #NotMyCyborg
• Really, movie? You can’t even make a passable attempt at a Jack Kirby Boom Tube?
• The mass murder of CGI Amazons! Take that, feminists! Serves you right for not appreciating Sucker Punch!
• Apparently Mother Boxes have been redesigned by Apple a bunch of times because they’re fucking huge now.
• Superman’s death led to the election of Donald Trump?
• THAT’S NOT WHAT MOTHER BOXES DO.
• These Whedonian reshoots are incrementally better than the rest of the movie but they’re jarring as fuck.
• There’s a narrative efficiency to Marvel movies that must be way more difficult than it looks, because so many other blockbusters, this one included, don’t have it.
• Weird choice to put the Magic Teleportation Boxes in vaults in the center of your civilizations. Seems like bad planning.
• Why does this movie look so bad all of the time?
• Um, the Amazonians and Atlanteans have been alone for centuries. Superman’s death had nothing to do with it.
• You know, three things making one thing. The “Unity”. Like the trident, all the names are two numbers short.
• Keep the Animated Series theme out your mouth, shitty movie.
• “I made my personnel carrie so that you have to jump three feet down to get out of it because I’m Batmman, scientific genius!”
• “I built a vehicle that walks slowly and is piloted by my butler because I’m Batman, tactical mastermind!”
• Hey, it’s like that scene from Days of Future Past only you can’t see what’s going on and it’s to hand someone a sword.
• When we said put jokes in the movies, DC, we meant good ones.
• Hey, it’s a shitty version of the Vision argument from Age of Ultron! That must be why we keep cutting away to Shitty Sokovia.
• INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT!
• Batman Heart Superman: Afternoon Delight Of Justice
• Why isn’t Flash doing the grave robbing really fast?
• Superman has Hulk-style clothing destruction powers.
• Keep the Donner Superman theme out your mouth while you’re at it, movie.
• “I left the third part of a machine that will destroy the world unattended for like ten minutes because I’m Batman, the Dumb Knight!” 
• MORE INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT!
• This Lois-Superman scene is so fucking corny. GET IT? THAT’S HOW JOKES WORK SNYDON!
• So, Metropolis is like a 15 minute drive from Kansas?
• Wait, they can’t say “Chernobyl”?
• Nice of Alfred to stay behind to shut the lake behind them.
• FUCK THIS AQUAMAN MONOLOGUE
• “I didn’t check to see if I broke the shield dome before I flew into it because I’m Batman, no really, a tactical genius!”
• ALSO KEEP THE DANNY ELFMAN BATMAN THEME OUT YOUR MOUTH, MOVIE
• Steppenwolf is going to destroy the world with those shitty paper snakes you light on fire?
• There’s, like, zero explanation for why Superman isn’t here at this point, right?
• Why weren’t the fear-murdering Parademons mobbing Flash this entire time?
• I got my Booya and it was a real monkey’s paw situation.
• Oh hey, Shitty Sokovia is going to become an Avatar theme park!
• “I bought the bank that owns the house instead of buying the house from the bank because I’m Batman, billionaire financial genius!”
• Man, Lois Lane is an awful writer.
• Two tags, no Darkseid, but a shitty Eisenberg Luthor because the movie wasn’t bad enough already?
• If the Snyder cut exists, I hope it gets released, so that all the nerds thinking it’ll be better will have an aneurysm from the cognitive dissonance of lying about liking it on i09  comments threads.