Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Extreme Rules 2017

Nothing makes sense anymore.
Want mediocre action, inexplicable stipulations, and disappointing finishes? Well, then have I got a PPV for you!

Intercontinental Championship (No Champion's Advantage) :Ambrose gets himself disqualified and drops the belt to Miz.

Extreme Rules opens, appropriately enough, with a match about how important it is for Dean Ambrose not to get caught breaking the normal, not-extreme rules. That said, the stip actually plays a strong part throughout all the storytelling of the match, leading to a finish where Ambrose, arguing with the ref over his potential disqualification, eats a Skull Crushing Finale and loses the belt. (1/1)

Sasha Banks & Rich Swann vs. Alicia Fox & Noam Dar: I'm going to go with Banks and Swann.

This was a match! The advertised people wrestled each other in it and eventually there was a winner and the winner was who I said it was going to be so at least there's that. (2/2)

Women's Championship (Kendo Stick on a Pole) -- Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Bayley:. So Bayley takes the title back in the worst possible way.

I was wrong about a great many things here. I was wrong about the premise of the match, for example. As stated, whoever grabbed the kendo stick first could use it legally in the match. As presente, whoever was HOLDING the stick could use it legally, which further defeats what little point a Kendo Stick On A Pole match even has. And I was wrong about the match, which was a complete squash of Bayley via kendo stick, and Bliss retains. Why any of this? (2/3)

Tag Team Championship (Steel Cage) -- The Hardy Boyz (c) vs. Sheamus & Cesaro: I'm going to forcubly suppress my What SHould Happen here and give the match to the Hardyz. 

In more Weird Stipulations GEt Weirder news, this cage match is neither pinfall nor submission, and both members must escape for their team to win. This makes for weird action. Jeff escapes, but then goes back in, so I guess his escape doesn't count, because Sheamus and Cesaro make it out while matt is trying to drag Jeff out a second time? I don't know why they switched the titles back like this, on a stipulation the Hardys picked, in a match that did nothing for any of the four guys. (2/4)

Cruiserweight Championship (Submission Match) -- Neville (c) vs. Austin Aries: This has to be Aries. It just has to be/

Nope! Fuck you, WWE. That's some classic booking for you. Match one, heel cheats to win, match two, heel gets disqualified to keep the belt. Match three, heel wins clean! Match was decent, but fuck that finish. (2/5)

No. 1 Contender's Fatal 5-Way Match (Extreme Rules) -- Roman Reigns vs. Finn Balor vs. Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Samoa Joe: The options are Bray Wyatt and Finn Balor.

This match was literally exactly what you'd expect from it, except, in my case, for the finish. WWE has booked matches like this probably a hundred times in the past 5 years, and seems to be going to this well more and more often. So anyway, Reigns was his "more intense" character, which means "a bit more of a boring, stoic dick". Balor was all over the place looking great. Rollins was being Rollins. Bray and JOe teamed up until they didn't team up anymore. Finish saw Balor almost pinning Roman Reigns and then having the win stolen by Joe with the Kokina Clutch, which is very similar to how the Raw match ended which is why I didn't think it would happen again. Ha ha, fool me a thousand times, shame on me.

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