Monday, August 29, 2016

Hatewatch: Terminator: Genisys

All you need to know, really.
Hey, did you know the most recent Terminator movie has been on Amazon Prime for a few months now? Neither did I. Well, until I went looking for something else, spotted it, and decided it was time for a good old-fashioned hatewatch. So here's the running commentary as I "enjoyed" the latest time-bending, logic-bending entry into a series that should have stopped after the second one.
Want to see the nuclear attack of Judgment Day recreated in landmark-destroying modern-day CGI? Good news, the first three minutes of this movie have you covered! 

Who is seeing this movie and needs a recap of the Terminator premise and history that's just going to get reset and then tossed away by this shitty time-travel plot?

Apparently Terminators are super-easy to kill in the future.

Jason Clarke looks super-weird in this. Like the love child of Colm Meaney and a Conan O'Brien.

The whole opening of this movie is like big-budget Trminator fanfic.

Everyone's just staring at Kyle Reese's dick during this, aren't they?

This time travel sequence makes me long for a Giant Cloud Shatner Head.

The first 15-20 minutes of this movie are nothing but nerds filling in blanks that didn't need filling in.

Arnie Fight! For some reason, Old Arnie doesn't warn New Arnie to put on a condom when he's fucking the maid.

And now a T-1000 is fucking with Kyle Reese in the department store. So the movie's premise is asking "wouldn't it be cool if" and then not realizing the answer is "no".

Oh hey baby Sarah Connor was raised by Old Arnie and Kyle Reese's backstory is apparently very important and also iPads are evil. Or maybe Surface Pros are evil.

Oh, hey, The Ramones! So I guess we know what would have happened in an alternate timeline where James Cameron had a music budget.

And apparently a drop of T-1000 jizz can reanimate a T-800.  You know, like how your iPhone 6S can fix your iPhone 5 by taking a picture of it.

Action sequence in a vaguely defined space that happens to have a T-1000-mostly-killing acid bath in it. 

And now we're arguing about where to go using a time machine in a basement in 1984 that absolutely nobody is bothering to explain the origins of.

I don't even want to contemplate the identity politics around Kyle Reese timesplaining things to Sarah Connor. Having her say things like "I don't need saving" doesn't make her a strong female character, manwriters. Especially when you also have Kyle Reese staring at her shadowtitties.

So Old Arnie new when and where Sarah and Kyle would be arriving in 2017, and he arrives two minutes late and on the road below them? Thanks, plot contrivance! I mean, what other way could there have been any other way for them to have their flashback chat.

I'm pretty sure the Terminators Kyle Reese knows don't spend a dozen years hanging out with humans in order to kill them. His distrust is misplaced.

Ha ha nobody believes JK Simmons because he's crazy.


The premise behind "Genisys" is easily the dumbest thing in any Terminator movie ever. We already have everything it says it does.

This "prove you're real" scene is all well and good, but pretty much any timeline's Sarah Connor would have shot him in the face the instant he dodged the "how did you get here" question.

Oh, for fuck's sake movie, Arnie can talk. This fucking misunderstanding scene was completely unnecessary.

Kudos fo JK Simmons for delivering the line "Goddamned time traveling robots covering up their goddamned tracks, I knew it" with a straight face. Should have gotten the Oscar for that.

Pepsi MAX product placement!

That is so not how MRI machines work.

Oh, hey, a couple of black scientists are getting all their stuff fed to them by a white guy from the future. Thanks, movie!

I refuse to believe anyone changing the timeline so much that hardware manufacturers would let their boxes have a third-party OS installed on them.

Seriously, though, you give your software the voice of a creepy child and NOBODY balks?

Oh, hey, toxic masculinity causes Robot Alzheimers.

So, this movie is predicated entirely on the absence of off-site backups. Got it.

None of the people in this movie understand how their own alternate timelines work.

Oh hey, school buses and motorcycles. More callbacks.

Because having your brakes cut makes your bus careen out of control, everyone knows that.

Two arrest sequences? Thanks, movie.

Oh, and hey, the police have been developing a bunch of magnetic weapons for no fucking reason whatsoever. How convenient.


Seriously, if we had helicopters that could do that, we wouldn't need Skynet to make H-K's.

How exactly is John Connor Terminator different from a T-1000? He heals bullets the same way, spikes people the same way,. He just isn't shiny and has Emotional Resonance.

Old Arnie's "skin ripped off" prostehetics are surprisingly awful. It's like they forgot how to do this shit right because of CG. Or maybe it's very bad CG.

This countdown bullshit is ridiculous.

Oh, hay, Sarah Connor being held hostage. More fake feminism!

The big Skynet reveal is so astonishingly irrelevant that I can't even get annoyed at how dumb it is.

Oh, hey, John Connor Terminator has a Super Saiyin Form.

THE POWER OF TEAMWORK! And loudspeaker magnet fists.

Is there an upper limit to the number of times an Arnie terminator can heroically sacrifice himself while the person who sees him as a substitute father tries to stop him? Because there should be.

Good thing the time machine they couldn't get working works.

Wait, WHAT? T-1000 Arnie? No, no. Fuck you, movie. FUUUUUUCK YOU.

Why does happy home life Kyle Reese have the same hobbies as Troubled Eddie Furlong John Connor?

Good thing Sarah is finally free to do what she wants and fall in love with the man she's destined to be with throughout all this. THanks again, movie!

I realize time travel is a bit hinky at the best of times, but no version of Arnie should have survived the death of Skynet, right? I mean, apart from how stupid T-1000 Arnie is, of course.

HHH's entrance at Wrestlemania 31 was shorter and made more sense.

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