Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Weekly Wrasslin' Wrouindup (RAW)
Summerslam is Sunday, and the Monday Night Raw leading up to it is almost entirely inexplicable.
Rusev is FURIOUS. He's hijacking the show until Roman Reigns apologizes for trying to be funny during the wedding sketch last week. This brings out Foley, to whom Rusev is totally awesomely mean. This brings out Stephanie McMahon at Rusev's request, which does not go the way Rusev expects. Rusev threatens to jump to Smackdown, which is a fun bit of leverage, but out comes Roman Reigns for a Funny Apology. Funny Reigns is only slightly better than Funny Orton, and neither are good. This sets up.a non-title Lana's Honor On A Pole match, because nothing sells a Reigns-Rusev match like giving away a free one six days ahead of time. A backstage beatdown by Rusev at the midpoint of the show sets up a main event where Rusev dominates, which means an entertaining match except for the Stock Roman Comebacks, but the match is way too long, and they do so much, what's going to be left to do on Sunday? Reigns' ridiculous fucking victory would normally mean Rusev winning at Summerslam, but Reigns' booking logic means that all the offense Rusev got in tonight is what he gets for dropping the belt to Reigns on Sunday. Feh.
Sami Zayn gets used as a third wheel in the Cesaro-Sheamus feud, which is slightly better than not being used at all, and he got the win courtesy Cesaroference. Michael Cole is off his feed, calling White Nois the Irish Curse and the Blue Thunder Bomb the Michinoku Driver. I mean, Cole is always pretty shitty at move calling, but come on. This sets up Cesaro-Sheamus at Summerslam in the first of a Best Of 7 series, which is an awful idea unless Sheamus is seriously committed to learning some new things in the ring. Summerslam prediction: doesn't matter. Cesaro's gona win the series.
The New Day face the Dudleys faced off in a short nothing match designed to give us two more Dr. Gallows and Dr. Anderson groin pun video. New Day wins following Dudley miscommunication, which is either lazy booking or May Be Becoming A Thing. New Day cuts a promo afterwards where they show The Clerb how to deliver a balls pun. Summerslam prediction - New Day retains thanks to a triumphant Big E return.
Another Nia Jax squash. If you're gonna have Braun Strohman and Nia Jax both squashing jobbers every damn week, maybe not use the same gimmick of Byron Saxton interviewing them in the ring first.
Brock Lesnar's appearance is interrupted by Heath Slater, still undrafted, hoping for a match with Lesnar for a Raw contract. This goes poorly for Heath, of course. Brock murders him after telling him, and I quote, "I don't give a shit about your kids." The winner of the match? The seven second delay. Summerslam Prediction: Lesnar should win, so Orton will win with an RKO out of nowhere because they've been selling that too much to let it go.
Big Cass (w/ Enzo) faces Kevin Owens (w/ Jericho) in what ends up being a short match ending in a disqualification and beatdown. In an interview earlier in the show, Owens and Jericho's weird funny sides shone through. Summerslam Prediction - Enzo and Cass will win, because they're calling Jericho and Owens "Jeri-KO", and we all know how "Y2AJ" turned out. After Summerslam, I expect the Canadians to be battling it out.
The Prime TIme Players are together again. This is explained by showing a clip from the Raw pre-show that has them saying "hey, let's team up again." They wrestle The Shining Stars and none of this makes any sense except as a setup for the inevitable PtP breakdown, which, of course happens. If Young vs. O'Neil isn't on the Summerslam pre-show I will be very, very surprised.
Jinder Mahal wrestles Neville for some reason. Neville fucks up a little during his entrance, but the match is solid and Neville looks strong but a bit imprecise.
Seth Rollins has spent the entire episode looking for "The Demon King", and finally calls him out from the ring. The promo goes on for a very long time, including a fan jumping into the ring, before they reveal The Demon Finn Balor on Raw. Doing it now instead of at Summerslam just proves that, Summerslam Prediction, Seth Rollins will be the first Universal Champion. If they were gonna put the belt on Balor, he'd have Demonbyooed at the PPV. I didn't even need to see the subsequent beatdown of Rollins to know that.
Gallows and Anderson defeat Golden Truth to remind you that they're wrestlers, not just dick joke reciters. A post-match attack from New Day and an attempted Trombone To The Testicles by Xavier Woods does not change my prediction.
Charlotte is mean to Dana Brooke before squashing Alicia Fox and summoning Sasha Banks to the ring. This sets up THE SWERVE where Brooke attacks Sasha and alllows Charlotte to slap the Figure 4 on Sasha. This all ensures that, Summerslam Prediction, Sasha Banks retains at Summerslam. Not thqat that hasn't been the obvvious plan from the get-go.
I need to take a moment and mention how completely fucking unwatchable Mick Foley's WWE Network "reality" series looks. It looks unintentional self-parody awful. I love Mick Foley, but no. Just... no.
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