|This is gonna take a while.
I’ve covered three of the matches confirmed for Wrestlemania, That leaves THIRTEEN to go, and probably 14 or maybe 15. John Cena is rumored to have an unannounced match, and Kevin Owens is making a LOT of noise about not being on the card, which means he’s not in the Battle Royal. That’s one or two bonus matches, an Elias performance (that may or may not be involved in one of those) and other shit.
But let’s get to the rest of the matches and predictions.
Women’s Battle Royal
As with all battle royals, I get three picks. Given that 11 of the women on the roster are in other matches, I expect a lot of cameos and ancillary-brand talent here. Hoping to see Viper/Piper Niven. Anyway, I’m picking Asuka first, because she deserves it; Lacey Evans second because the WWE hates me, and Nikki Cross third because she’s not gonna win but she’s awesome.
Men’s Battle Royal
Braun Strowman is in this and is an obvious pick, but the business with Michael Che and Colin Jost being in the match all but ensures his elimination. Take him out, though, and you’re left with a giant screaming pile of jobber fodder. Some great and underutilized, some being utilized exactly right.
So, first choice, Andrade. Of those remaining, he has the highest profile. Second choice, Braun Strowman Anyway. And third choice, let’s go with Kevin Owens as a long shot entrant.
Buddy Murphy vs. Tony Nese (Cruiserweight)
This should be a great match. The story here is that Nese won a tournament, and is sort of the face because his heel friend Murphy beat the shit out of him for winning. I don’t know who should take the belt off Murphy at this point,so Murphy retains.
The Revival vs. Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder (Raw Tag):
Here’s the thing. This match ONLY exists for Hawkins and Ryder, Losers Who Know They’re Losers, to pull off an unlikely victory in their home town and have a Wrestlemania Moment. Because the other option would be The Revival doing something dastardly to them to heat up The Revival as heel champions, and WWE clearly has no interest in that. Ryder and Hawkins win and drop the belts within a month.
The Usos vs. Blacochet vs. The Bar vs. Nakarusev:
This is a tough one. I’d love for it to become a Fatal Five Way with The New Day winning belts to match Kofi’s, but I don’t see that. We need heel wins, so let’s go weird long shot, pick Nakamura and Rusev, and be wrong. Fuck it.
Kurt Angle vs. Baron Corbin:
Ugh. I hate this match, I hate this pick. Angle’s old school and unlike The Revival, WWE is inexplicably interested in Baron Corbin. Angle goes out on his back.
The Miz vs. Shane McMahon (Falls Count Anywhere)
I need more heel wins, but goddammit, you don’t let Middle Management Part Timer beat Newly Face Reality Star on the grandest stage of all. Miz wins.
Boss and Hugg vs. Natalya/Phoenix vs. We’re Both Samoans vs. The Iiconics (Women’s Tag)
OK. I need more heel wins, and it coincides with wanting a thing. I think it’s unlikely and I think I may be wrong but I have a gut instinct that the belts are going on the Iiconics. They’ve been getting more attention lately and I think heel champs will make the belt more important.
Samoa Joe vs. Rey Mysterio (United States)
Whew, this is a tough one. Joe hasn’t had the belt long enough by half, but putting the belt on Mysterio right now is sorta the thing that WWE would do. I can’t even go by what happened on the last Smackdown, so I’ll add another heel win and say Joe retains. I wouldn’t mind a long program through Summerslam.
Demon Finn Balor vs. Bobby Lashley (Intercontinental).
They may have Balor lose here and retire The Demon, but Finn Balor should win at Mania and Lashley is approaching Orton levels of Never Pick. Balor wins.
Triple H vs. Batista (HHH’s Career On The Line)
HHH’s career is on the line, Batista’s doing this for fun and money. HHH wins, duh.
AJ Styles vs. Randy Orton:
NEVER PICK ORTON RULE IN EFFECT. Styles wins.
Roman Reigns vs. Drew McIntyre:
They’ve spent a month building McIntyre at Reigns expense. This is Roman’s first big match after returning. Of course Reigns wins.