Wednesday, September 26, 2018

An Old Nerd Finally Hatewatches Justice League

Not even in the top fifty problems with this movie.
I finally got around to this. It’s been on HBO for a bunch of minutes, but I just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t give it a slot in the schedule. But September has a lot of lulls in it so I made it happen, and I’m... happy? From a cultural knowledge standpoint? Because that shit was garbage.

  • Oh yeah, movie. Double down on “The S stands for Hope” right at the start.
  • Good choice to start the movie with shitty Parademon CGI.
  • Batman’s voice disguiser seems to disguise that he’s saying words. WHich is good, because otherwise street thugs would know Batman has a friend named Alfred.
  • I bet that homeless guy is a reference to a beloved character from the memorable Batman V Superman
  • Watchable Woman!
  • Ten minutes in before speed changes. Very restrained, Snydon.
  • Hope nobody in that fishing village speaks English or they all know who Batman is now.
  • “I put a tracking device in Aquaman’s coat and was completely unable to predict what would happen. I’m the World’s Greatest Detective.”
  • Ah, the famous two minute limite on prison visits.
  • Why isn’t he saying “Booya” and eating waffles? #NotMyCyborg
  • Really, movie? You can’t even make a passable attempt at a Jack Kirby Boom Tube?
  • The mass murder of CGI Amazons! Take that, feminists! Serves you right for not appreciating Sucker Punch!
  • Apparently Mother Boxes have been redesigned by Apple a bunch of times because they’re fucking huge now.
  • Superman’s death led to the election of Donald Trump?
  • These Whedonian reshoots are incrementally better than the rest of the movie but they’re jarring as fuck.
  • There’s a narrative efficiency to Marvel movies that must be way more difficult than it looks, because so many other blockbusters, this one included, don’t have it.
  • Weird choice to put the Magic Teleportation Boxes in vaults in the center of your civilizations. Seems like bad planning.
  • Why does this movie look so bad all of the time?
  • Um, the Amazonians and Atlanteans have been alone for centuries. Superman’s death had nothing to do with it.
  • You know, three things making one thing. The “Unity”. Like the trident, all the names are two numbers short.
  • Keep the Animated Series theme out your mouth, shitty movie.
  • “I made my personnel carrie so that you have to jump three feet down to get out of it because I’m Batmman, scientific genius!”
  • “I built a vehicle that walks slowly and is piloted by my butler because I’m Batman, tactical mastermind!”
  • Hey, it’s like that scene from Days of Future Past only you can’t see what’s going on and it’s to hand someone a sword.
  • When we said put jokes in the movies, DC, we meant good ones.
  • Hey, it’s a shitty version of the Vision argument from Age of Ultron! That must be why we keep cutting away to Shitty Sokovia.
  • Batman Heart Superman: Afternoon Delight Of Justice
  • Why isn’t Flash doing the grave robbing really fast?
  • Superman has Hulk-style clothing destruction powers.
  • Keep the Donner Superman theme out your mouth while you’re at it, movie.
  • “I left the third part of a machine that will destroy the world unattended for like ten minutes because I’m Batman, the Dumb Knight!” 
  • This Lois-Superman scene is so fucking corny. GET IT? THAT’S HOW JOKES WORK SNYDON!
  • So, Metropolis is like a 15 minute drive from Kansas?
  • Wait, they can’t say “Chernobyl”?
  • Nice of Alfred to stay behind to shut the lake behind them.
  • “I didn’t check to see if I broke the shield dome before I flew into it because I’m Batman, no really, a tactical genius!”
  • Steppenwolf is going to destroy the world with those shitty paper snakes you light on fire?
  • There’s, like, zero explanation for why Superman isn’t here at this point, right?
  • Why weren’t the fear-murdering Parademons mobbing Flash this entire time?
  • I got my Booya and it was a real monkey’s paw situation.
  • Oh hey, Shitty Sokovia is going to become an Avatar theme park!
  • “I bought the bank that owns the house instead of buying the house from the bank because I’m Batman, billionaire financial genius!”
  • Man, Lois Lane is an awful writer.
  • Two tags, no Darkseid, but a shitty Eisenberg Luthor because the movie wasn’t bad enough already?
  • If the Snyder cut exists, I hope it gets released, so that all the nerds thinking it’ll be better will have an aneurysm from the cognitive dissonance of lying about liking it on i09  comments threads.

1 comment:

  1. You're either braver, more masochistic, or stupider than me, because I never even watched BvS, and I'm sure as shit not watching this tire fire. <3