Saturday, April 6, 2019

Wrestlemania 35: Slay My Beast, Please

A wish is a dream your heart makes.
The thing about this match is that it’s the same as the Finn Balor match, which was the same as the Daniel Bryan match, which was the same as the Roman Reigns match, the Roman Reigns match, and the Roman Reigns match, even the one Roman Reigns won.

All we want out of life is for Brock Lesnar to stop being the Universal Champion. He doesn’t need to leave WWE, he just needs to move into that place where he’s not holding a title, comes in once a year to suplex some dude for a pop, and we can all fucking MOVE THE FUCK ON.

So now it’s Seth Rollins. And he’s making the same promises as everyone has for the past two years. Slay the beast. Bring the title back to Raw. Make it a full time title again. Don’t get sick and make them put the title back on to Brock for some damn reason. 

I like Seth Rollins. I really do. But this particular version of babyface Seth Rollins is boring as fuuuuuuck. He doesn’t have a personality, he’s just a reasonably well-spoken vessel for whatever babyface tropes the story requires. Is his character going up against someone perceived to not work hard? He’s a hard worker. Is his character going up against someone who is mean to his friends? Then he stands by his friends. 

Even his nicknames and catchphrases seem tied to storylines. He beat Triple H so he’s the Kingslayer. He’ was in a commercial from WWE 2K18 that had fire in it so he’s the Burn It Down guy. When he was a heel, executing plans crafted for him by someone else, he was... The Architect. That doesn’t make a lot of sense, really.

So for the next six months, if he wins, he’ll be the Beast Slayer. Or Beastslayer. I don’t know how they’re going to spell it. This assumes, of course, that Seth will actually slay Lesnar and take the Universal Title off him. There’s a chance he won’t. I’ve spent a LOT of time wanting Brock Lesnar to lose the title and only briefly did I get my wish. But I have to go with it as a prediction because imagining the opposite is horrifying to me. Rollins wins.

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