Thursday, March 14, 2019

An Old Nerd Was Older, But Not Wiser Enough To Skip WWE Fastlane

Fuckin’ Ricochet, man.
Fastlane felt weird, impromptu, and sloppy. At least two matches happened that weren’t announced or announced differently, a lot of botches and sloppy work across the board (or sloppy camera work that caught things we shouldn’t have seen), and very little was enjoyable.
The New Day vs.Rusev & Nakamura (Kickoff): Let’s say Rusev and Nakamura.

Nope. New Day picked up the win, although they got beat down after, fueling a slight transformation into a more serious, angry New Day who will kick ass on Papa Kofi’s behalf. That part, I’m enjoying. This match was standard stuff. (0/1)

The Usos Vs. MizMahon (SD Tag): Usos win, Miz and Shane break up, Miz and Shane wrestle at Mania while I pee.

All of this happened, none of it was/is good. The only nice thing I can say is that at least Shane is the heel and Miz is the face, even if we had to endure a Shane “why I did it” promo this week. (1/2)

Asuka vs. Mandy Rose (DS Women’s Championship): Asuka retains.

Asuka retaining was the only good thing about this. The match was bad, the crowd has somehow been de-trained to not react to Asuka’s offense, and Asuka’s championship reign has gone from playing second fiddle to Lynch-CHarlotte’s story to playing second fiddle to Mandy and Sonya’s story, which is INSANE. (2/3)

The Bar vs. Kofi Kingston: I didn’t know about this.

The first of two impromptu matches at Fastlane. This one continues the “Vince Screws Kofi” storyline, leading to a Gauntlet Match next week that Kofi will miraculously win to get into Mania and defeat Daniel Bryan in a mirror image of Bryan’s “B+ Player” double belt Mania moment. I’m fine with all of this but didn’t really need a 10 minute Kofi beatdown on a PPV to get there.

The Revival vs. Blacochet vs. Gablorious (Raw Tag): Revival retains. 

This was one of the better matches on the card. Not surprising given the people involved. Revival did retain, and then they did a weird thing where there was post-match fighting so that Blacochet could stand tall. I love both those guys but they need to dial back on the push a little. (3/4)

Samoa Joe vs. R-Truth vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Andrade (US Championship): Also didn’t know about this.

This apparently replaced Andrade vs. Mysterio on the kickoff, and was a replay of the match where Joe won the title. And then they did it as tag teams on Tuesday, so I guess this is what they’re doing? Joe retained, like Joe should.

Boss & Hug vs. We’re Both Samoan (Women’s Tag): WBS won’t win and Tamina will eat the pin.

Nia got pinned, which is the only surprise. This was fine. Oh, and there was a post-match beatdown and Beth Phoenix got involved so that’s gonna be a thing that happens.(4/5)

Daniel Bryan vs. Kevin Owens  vs. Mustafa Ali (WWE Championship): Bryan has to retain.

The random last moment decision to add Ali to the match wouldn’t have changed my prediction and didn’t change the outcome. This was pretty good because Ali is great and Owens is great and Bryan is very good and the presence of Erick Rowan only diminished that by like 30%. (5/6)

Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte Flair: Becky wins.

This wasn’t even a match, it was just Becky selling the knee until Rousey punched CHarlotte to make sure Becky went to Mania. Luckily, Becky’s Smackdown promo was able to spin this into gold, and Rousey being a spoiled asshat who hates wrestling is the most convincing acting she’s done in the past year. (6/7)

The Shield vs. Creative Has Nothing For You At This Time: There’s no way The Shield loses to Lashley< McIntyre, and Corbin.

Yep. Match was a match. Played out exactly like you’d expect, and complaining about it makes you feel bad because Dean’s leaving and Roman’s in remission. (7/8)

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